I've blown a few things in my day
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
