You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
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