Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
