we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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