Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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