Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
