she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
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