No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
