So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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