Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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