I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Randomize
