I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
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He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
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Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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