So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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