So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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