This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
