dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Randomize
