my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
