Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
