i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
