I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
