we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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