I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
