when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize