Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
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