textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Randomize
