Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
