M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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