and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
