If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
