Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
