My Higher Power is John Stamos
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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