Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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