my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
