um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
