"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
