Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
