If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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