I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
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