GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
