why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
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i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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