I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
