If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
