Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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