Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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