Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
