I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
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once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
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I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
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