a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
