Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
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