i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I need to align my fucking chakras
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
