had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize