I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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