She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
