yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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