Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
