I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Randomize
